Transparent Life

The Rain and I

2006-12-29T19:20:00.000-08:00

Impatient clouds rush across the sky,
Late for an appointment only they know.

Lightning and thunder,
Dance their timeless waltz.

Large raindrops fall to the ground;
A chorus for all to witness.

I realize that Nature
Keeps its own company.

Where is mine?

2 Candles

2006-12-20T13:48:00.000-08:00

2 Candles sit side by side.

Each dances to its own music,
Yet together they light a room.

Snuffed at any moment,
The elements threaten flame.

Side by side 2 candles stay lit,
For one can light the other.

The Coma

2006-12-06T05:09:00.000-08:00

Through Blurry eyes, I see my surroundings:

A washbasin full of blood...
(I assume is mine)
Marks on the floor...
(Did I fall out of bed?)

Nearly spent candles on the nightstand
Mocked my confusion

I try to remember how long it's been...
My dreams are full of crowded places,
I felt extremly alone.

As my head clears I realize the truth.
The blood wasn't mine, it was yours.
I did not fall out of bed... you knelt beside me.
Candles lit your nightly vigil.

Let me never lay my head to pillow,
Without your love on my mind.
Let slumber only come ,
with your praise on my lips.

I am still here

2006-09-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

I am still reading others blogs, commenting sometimes....
I haven't felt the urge to write in a long time.
I think it's comming back

Is anyone still checking this blog?

Find Me (Pleadings of a Savior)

2006-03-28T07:20:00.000-08:00

I am the one door.
I am your only hope.

I was on a cross long ago,
But search for me elsewhere.

Find me in a child's laughter.
The resounding silence of the comming dawn.

Search me out in those you love,
Endlessly striving to be more than a warped mirror.

Most importantly search within,
For I am always so near.

Lukewarm

2006-03-27T20:47:00.001-08:00

I imagine myself on a tall cliff.
On one side I see someone barely holding on;
White knuckles at the brink of exhaustion.
On the other side I see people with smiling faces
As they jump off fearlessly spreading their wings to fly.

I am in the middle.
I'm not struggling.
I'm not victorious.

I feel like a piece of parchement;
Once full of words, yet an eraser has been used.
What was once there is gone, yet the smudges remain.

I am lukewarm.
Not in my most important relationship,
My urgency for movement is lost.

So I sit on this cliff envying both sides.

Playing with tanks

2006-03-07T07:21:00.000-08:00

As men mature, their toys only grow bigger and more expensive! This past weekend, I was able to play with a 70,000 lb 1940's Sherman tank. Did we get to shoot it you ask? Twice! My ears are still ringing!

Denial

2006-03-02T08:23:00.000-08:00

Ashen cross smeared on my forehead,
A symbol of contemplation.

How can I understand perfection?
What is the value of priceless?

I can starve, I can sacrifice,
All the world can see my suffering.

As you hang on the cross looking down at me,
The rooster crows; my indifference becomes painfully obvious.

I stumble towards you in faith,
Teach me the feeling of nails in my hands.

A state of Winter

2006-02-20T06:19:00.000-08:00

Frozen in time,
Ice covered fingers outstretch towards the taunting sun.

Time old questions echo in my core,
Who am I, what is my purpose?

Bellowing appeals fall on deaf ears;
Winterscape comforts me with her cold embrace.

First impression deceives.
Outside appearances hide vitality hidden deep inside,

Hope comes from within;
I am not it's origin, only it's path.

When Spring thaw comes,
I will be ready.

Gamer's Valentine

2006-02-14T07:08:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Everyone :)

Pandora

2006-02-08T11:34:00.000-08:00

This is a really cool web radio webpage that picks music you'd possibly like based off bands/songs you enter. It continually customizes itself to you as you choose "Yes, this is cool!" or "Nah...this is lame"

Pandora - Music Genome Project

I think there is even a way to link my fav music/Pandora to my blog site....gotta play with that later :)

Knowledge

2006-02-07T07:05:00.000-08:00

Knowledge is like a tree.
In it's inception there is only a trunk.
More deductions lead you up until you hit your first branch.
Branch splits into branch as you continue on this journey.
Soon, you realize that the branch you have followed,
pushes you from another branch; thus specialization is born.

You can do one of two things:

1. Continue on becomming more aware yet blinded at the same time.
2. You can step back and accept the tree for what it is, yet sacrifice
understanding.

When we begin to learn about God, we dig and dig and try to understand Him. As we progress, we begin to understand that He has unlimited branches; most of which we can never fully understand due to our feeble limited minds. It takes courage to step back in faith and accept Him for what He is.

Candles and Coffee

2006-01-30T11:52:00.000-08:00

I remember a few years ago, I was in a candle store looking at candels. Most of them were scented, and after a while...I couldn't smell any of them. The owner of the store recognized my dilemma, and with a smile on her face she came over with a can of ground coffee. She held the can up to me and told me to take a big whiff. The smell of the coffee was so totally different than the perfumed smells of the candles that my smell sence "reset". After that I was able to smell the candles again.

Looking around the store, I wondered how many shoppers couldn't smell them anymore. How many went by appearance alone...how many only looked at the pricetags?

Into the depths

2006-01-26T11:22:00.000-08:00

As a SCUBA diver, you usually have to wait in line for others to get back onto the boat. Instead of bobbing on the surface swallowing seawater and getting seasick, I will usually put my regulator back in my mouth and dive down a few feet. Here the water is calm. The noise is muffled and I can relax in comfort while I wait.

However, as it is written:
"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him"
But God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.
The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.
1 Cor 2:10

Deep is the dwelling place of God
Deep is the gift of discipline

The same analogy can be used between snorklers and SCUBA divers. Both can say they saw the reef, yet their experiences are vastly different.

Dont be satisfied with Sunday church or even Bible study groups. Dive deep into the depths of God. It takes more training and hard work to become a Diver, but the rewards are beyond anything you could have imagined.

The spark

2006-01-23T07:00:00.000-08:00

A single spark falls to the ground;
So bright, so full of potential.

Pile too much wood on it and it will smother;
Left alone, it will fail.

Hands placed to block the wind;
A gentle breath gives the spark hope.

Smoke comes first.
It stings the eyes; clogs the lungs.

Even now, if left alone it will die.
Persistance is so difficult.

As spark blossoms into fire,
Surroundings are illuminated.

The glowing eyes of doubt
Flee farther back into the woods.

Wood piled on now
Only makes the flames grow higher.

Symbiosis

2006-01-20T11:38:00.000-08:00

You are the vine,
I am the tree.

I bear your weight,
You adorn me with your beautiful flowers.

We are different,
Pain comes as we entwine.

Our purpose is never lost;
Together we grow towards the light.

Friend Jail

2006-01-16T06:23:00.001-08:00

I just had to pass this along to everyone. This is genius:

http://welcometodoland.blogspot.com/2006/01/you-gotta-fight-for-your-rights.html

Dawn

2006-01-11T10:41:00.000-08:00

Darkness surrounds me,
I am cold, for the sun has not risen in so long.

Petals turned inward for protection;
They thirst so desperately.

Creator, is it coming?
Is dawn almost here?

My heart beats with anticipation!
Dark shadows transform into hues of deep orange.

I doubt even as I feel the warmth of the rising sun;
I am not worthy of such a gift.

Indistinguishable from the morning dew
Are my tears of joy.

Faith of innocence

2006-01-08T21:08:00.000-08:00

I dont know how I got here,
But I feel safe; Father is with me.

Look how far I climbed Daddy!
Watch me jump so high!

I don't understand passion or depression,
Yet I know without a doubt that Father loves me.

Money? Daddy will provide.
Hunger? He will feed me.

He can do everything,
I will never be alone.

Truly I tell you, unless you change
And become like children,
you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 18

Diametric

2006-01-02T19:00:00.000-08:00

The more we love,
The more we fear.

White knuckles grasp,
That which is held most dear.

The more we give,
The more we are given.

So backwards to what we're told;
Gaining treasures in Heaven.

Jealousy and anger,
Birthed out of passion.

Fearfully designed minds,
Hiding emotions that turn hearts ashen.

Light and Dark, Love and Hate
Without the other, one cannot relate.

Dirt

2006-01-01T23:32:00.001-08:00

Why do we associate "dirtiness" with "sinful"?

Genesis 2:7 says this:
And the Lord God formed man from the dust
of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the
breath of life; and man became a living being.

As dirt we were nothing;
Because of His breath we are dirt no more.

In Genesis 3:19 God curses man:
In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread till you
return to the ground. For out of it you were taken;
For dust you are. And to dust you shall return.

God forever reminds us of our origins.
He cursed the ground so we must work so hard to benefit from it.

As I rage my own war against sin, I am reminded of my origins.

I don't feel dirty, I feel hollow;
His breath absent from this pile of dust.

How do you measure a year?

2005-12-31T08:16:00.000-08:00

This was my favorite movie this year. I loved it because it showed people hurting...it showed how community can bring such support and healing. Sometimes I relate my life to how these characters lived....I have some friends that have financial difficulties. Some have relationship woes... some are sick, some are lonely...One is trying to find himself. One is on a quest that I'm extremly interested in. We all love....we dont hold back....and I pray that everyone feels cared for.

Looking back at 2005, It's been one of the most dynamic years of my life.

1. I graduated college
2. I was offered a really excellent job without looking for it (Thank you God!)
3. I dated a redheaded marine (she was really cute guys but dont mess with her!)
4. I was rejected by a redheaded marine
5. I forgot who I was
6. I was rejected by my closest friends
7. I got my new apartment (living by myself for the first time)
8. I met someone that taught me to love with reckless abandonment
(CS, that was the most important thing I learned this year. Thank you so much.)
9. I started this blog and found out I could write
10. I discovered great men and women of God that I cannot live without
11. I look forward to what adventures 2006 holds for me.

I really appreciate everyone that writes on my blog. I've learned so much from you.

Submission

2005-12-24T11:33:00.000-08:00

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.

Husbands, love [your] wives, and be not bitter against them.

Col 3:18-19

A close friend of mine challenged some friends and I to the question of Christian submission. I have been thinking about it for the past few days and this is what I've come up with.

Imagine that marriage is like a car driving down the road of life. Now imagine that the car had 2 steering wheels. What a great concept! One could sleep while the other drove, One could navigate...you get the concept.

Now imagine that a huge crevice appears in the road in front of you. Which person should avoid the obstacle? What if both people turned the wheel in opposite directions and you fall straight into the hole?

Lets discuss this :)

Breathing

2005-12-19T07:29:00.000-08:00

Through breath we were created;
Dirt before, something else so suddenly.

Life sustaining air flowing into our bodies,
A testament to His glory.

Breathing in, our blood replenished;
Breathing out, our bodies cleansed.

Each one tells a tale;
Smells sensed, memories embraced.

Without it, our voices mute;
Sobbing can be quenched or created
By our tongues of fire.

When my last breath is gone,
Understanding will be mine.

Unseen Hope

2005-12-17T21:29:00.000-08:00

Breathing deeply I take inventory of my soul.
Lonliness mixed with exhaustion are revealed.
Where is my hope?

Romans 8:24 says this:
For we are saved by hope. But hope that is seen is not hope. For what a man sees, why does he hope for?

Then it says in verse 25:
But if we hope for that which we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

I push so hard to find my own answers..Solve my own problems.
Why should I be surprised I feel this way?

The wonderful world of Mediocrity

2005-12-15T19:43:00.000-08:00

Not too warm, yet not too cold,
Life is good if I may be so bold..

My heart is lonely but friends abound;
Still looking for the one, yet none to be found..

I pray just enough, I feel no remorse;
My vision blurry, loosing sight of my Source.

Looking inwards I see that momentum is congested;
Full of selfish thoughts, my mind is infested.

Cutting through the tape that holds me back,
I realize that a path is what I lack.

Purposeful life is like a ball of snow,
The farther it moves, the more it will grow.

Peace

2005-12-11T19:03:00.000-08:00

Peace isn't a pool of still water;
Comfortable, yet prone to stagnation.

Nor is it a fortress where I feel safe;
Sheltering me from those I was sent to help.

Peace is like a river flowing down a mountain;
Where high banks guide, gravity pulls.

It is as if I could close my eyes.
Running headfirst into a forest;
Knowing I will not be injured.

Peace is when the pain is still there,
But you have somewhere to put it.

In total darkness, it is a hand
Reaching to grasp mine.

Lord please grant me peace,
So I will have the courage to do what you sent me here for.

Cling

2005-12-09T06:45:00.000-08:00

A child buries her head;
Reassurance flows as fingers entwine in Mother's dress.

Solitude creeps in like a winter chill,
He grasps.
Anxiety that he will never reach the surface.
A friends shoulder is always there,
Reminding him that he is not alone.
His hurts..his happiness; they willingly share.

A Season of Birth
A Season of Love
A Season of Hope

Unfold your arms so a child can cling.

Thought of the day

2005-12-07T06:28:00.000-08:00

If you consider that there have been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000. The rate in Washington D.C.(among others) is 80.6 per 100,000. That means that you are about 33% more likely to be shot and killed in our Nation's Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of Washington D.C.

When I am Quiet

2005-12-05T06:06:00.000-08:00

My pride has nothing to feed on;
I plainly see my selfishness.

What was hidden to my ears,
whispers like a morning breeze.

Closing my eyes, my heart becomes animated;
Mind, body and spirit regain balance.

Surrounded by quiescent darkness,
My direction is true; my footing secure.

When I am Quiet I feel you.

The 8 Cow Woman

2005-12-02T13:17:00.000-08:00

There once was an American man that fell in love with a woman.
This woman was from an island named Kiniwata where gifts were given to the father of the bride. Usually the dowry was a cow. The more attractive the woman, the more cows that the father received. The woman was considered homely by most, but the man was deeply in love with her.

When he announced the engagement, he gave the father 8 cows as a dowry (an unheard of dowry to most people). The woman was absolutely amazed. She lived a life where she considered herself unvaluable...not worth the effort.

Fast forward a year down the road and you will see a very beautiful happy woman. When she began to treat herself as if she were valuable, her outward appearance reflected it.

Most of us do not consider ourselves valuable.
We desperatly need to compliment each other.
We need to lift each other up at every opportunity.

Broken Locks

2005-11-30T08:48:00.000-08:00

Dented and rusted,
Purpose is forgotten.

Doors sway at the mercy of the wind;
No one cares if they should be open or closed.

It's so easy to ignore the broken;
Keys aim for the shiny new.

A little oil reveals,
A broken lock really isn't broken at all.

Keys

2005-11-26T21:21:00.001-08:00

They come in all shapes and sizes,
Some are intricate, others dull.
All have the same purpose.

One may fit many locks,
While others only one.

Tumblers dance over the edges of the key;
Where they stop decides between approval and rejection.

Only those that turn the key will ever find out.

Contrast

2005-11-22T17:00:00.000-08:00

There is a bar that we all associate with. On left side is the shy...the kind..the caring. On the other side is the Boisterous, the outgoing, the selfish. Why is it that men and women are so attracted to the right side, yet they hope for a relationship that ends up like the left side? Men and women rarely date friends that they've known for a long time, yet they tell everyone that they want their boyfriend / girlfriend to be his/her best friend?

I understand that this isn't always the case, but it's my predominant observance of the people around me. I dont know where I fit in the mix...probably much too far on the left hand side, which brings excellent chances of friendships instead of relationships. I absolutely abhor fakeness...I dont want to change who I am.

Distractions

2005-11-20T21:54:00.000-08:00

I stare at the surface of the glass,
Instead of beholding what is behind it.

Faced with beauty incarnate,
I desperately search in vain ignorance.

Singing only to hear my own voice,
I miss the opportunity for my sole purpose.

Is it so hard to comprehend unhappiness?
I bow at your feet from anguish self inflicted.

Teach me focus.
Give me hunger.
Let me breathe just a little while longer.

Purposeful Rejection

2005-11-18T15:32:00.000-08:00

Tears mix with dirt as the
Boot presses painfully on my head.

There's nothing wrong with me.

So hard to breathe because
My heart is made of lead.

Transparent skin shatters revealing a
Soul bared to the cold.

Where is your comfort?

Old feelings forgotten,
Rushing in like a broken dam.

I can bear the pain if I know it's purpose.
Oh Lord, please give me understanding.

sickness

2005-11-18T07:58:00.001-08:00

How are you guys feeling? My head feels like a baloon...
I am so glad it's the weekend tho!

Listening to Micah

2005-11-17T13:07:00.000-08:00

I have served this man for my entire adult life.
They call him a prophet...
My friend Micah says that he's crazy....

This morning as I prepare to break my masters fast, I hear a noise outside.
Squinting in the sunrise reveals a large force of Arameans!

I knew why they were there.
King Aram has found out.
Found out that my master warned the King of Israel.

In terror I rush back in and awake him.
"Oh, my lord, what shall we do?" I ask.
In amazement I see him get up calmly and smile.

He leads me outside and puts his hand on my shoulder.
"Don't be afraid," the prophet answered.
"Those who are with us are more than those who are with them."
YES.....Micah, why didn't I listen to you?

He chuckles and begins to quietly pray.
"O LORD, open his eyes so he may see."

Micah still doesn't believe me, but I cannot deny my own eyes.
I am a servant and my master is the prophet Elisha

The Tightrope

2005-11-14T14:34:00.000-08:00

One foot in front of the other,
Not so hard if you think about it.

Actually, it is hard,
Hard when so many eyes are watching you..
They believe you are confident.

So high up, they can't see your ragged breath.
They can't see the beaded sweat on my forehead.

No chance to turn around,
No chance to stop.

Only when I run out of options,
Only when my energy is spent do I close my eyes.
Faith tells me the net is there.

One foot in front of the other,
Never easy, always possible.

I am able to do all things through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13

Swoosh

2005-11-10T14:50:00.000-08:00

Think deeply about your actions,
but not too deeply.

Push the limits of understanding,
Put everything to the question.

Drink fully the cup of life;
Take its dark wine into your soul,
For it passes round the table only once.

We were meant to live

2005-11-08T06:27:00.000-08:00

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live
We were meant to live

November 7th
Stafford Centre
Switchfoot Concert

The concert rocked, but the most memorable thing for me was the ending of Meant to Live.
Jon pointed the microphone out on the crowd...the band got quiet..and a couple thousand people sang "We were meant to live" over and over.....
I closed my eyes and listened.

I talked to God and said "I know it was supposed to be different...."
He said: "Dont worry, I'll take care of it soon"

Faceless

2005-11-07T06:39:00.000-08:00

With Raised hands,
I'm the embodiment of worship.
A perfect statue for all to see.

Hammer strikes chisel
My practiced appearance fractures.

Why do I doubt the Master Artisan?
His eye holds my true form,
His aim is absolute.

I concentrate on the surface blemish,
You attack the flaw in stone.

Please Lord, finish the job
and make me Faceless.

The Flat tire

2005-11-03T06:20:00.000-08:00

One night a few years ago I was driving down a old road on my way home from church. It was about midnight..the sky was clear, I could see the stars very well.

I hit something really hard in the middle of the road, and it blew out one of my tires. Not only did it flatten the tire, but it dented the rim. I got out, pulled the spare..and it was flat as well. I dont remember why, but I was in a bad mood that night. On that dark empty road I looked up and screamed at the top of my lungs "WHERE ARE YOU NOW WHEN I NEED YOU?"

Not 5 minutes later I saw a car driving down this road. An older gentleman got out, took one look at my tire and said "I can fix that!" He grabbed the tire and we both went to his house (less than a mile away)..

He pulled out a mallet, bent the rim back to shape, inflated the tire and returned me to my car. After seeing that I could finish the job, he shook my hand and left.

What are the chances of that!
God is so good...sometimes He whispers, sometimes His actions scream so loud.
Do you have a story similar to this?

Foundations

2005-11-01T18:57:00.000-08:00

We fly into your branches,
For we know you will protect us.

Shelter from rain,
Source of nourishment.
A place of community.

From afar we see you as a landmark,
We will not loose our way.

Flying so high at times,
Tumbling to the ground when least expected.

The years have gained you deep roots,
We must rely on you till our wings are sound.

Strong winds flood this season of our lives,
You are our foundation.

Love Languages

2005-10-31T08:38:00.000-08:00

I know I dont want to beat this subject to death, but after listening to the comments, I believe a little discussion on communication is necessary.

I am a believer in the book called "The 5 Love Languages" By Gary Chapman. In it he talks about different "languages" that we must be communicated with to feel loved. They Are:

1. Acts of Service
2. Receiving Gifts
3. Quality Time
4. Physical Touch
5. Words of Affirmation

Which one do you think is your love language you need to be communicated? Some people have multiple, but there is usually a more dominate one.

Price Tags

2005-10-28T12:19:00.000-07:00

Imagine you are at a department store and surrounding you are all sorts of Ummmm lets say coats. Red ones, black ones, leather ones, wool ones...you get the point. The kicker is that none of them have price tags on them. They could be on sale for $10 or a designer jacket at $1000. The only way to find out is to take it up to the counter and pay for it. You could ask one of the clerks that are walking around, but they might just be guessing. Sometimes they're right, sometimes they aren't.

Sometimes I think it's better to walk around cold.

I see the dating scene as very similar to this analogy. You never know if someone likes you (The $10 jacket) or absolute rejection ($1000). You can ask your friends or theirs, but they aren't always correct. Sometimes there's noone to ask. When I wrote Red Light Green Light, I had no clue that this would turn into such an in depth conversation. I love to hear people's opinion on this. Please continue!

Please Breathe

2005-10-27T11:39:00.000-07:00

In your strong hands she lays,
Fingers like impenetrable walls caressing her beautiful cheek.

Please Breathe.
As she slumbers let your healing course through her.

With tears streaming down my face I plead,
Show her you are always there.

My Prose Library

2005-10-26T03:15:00.000-07:00

I am worried that some of my writings will fall through the cracks. I've decided to catalogue them. Even though I wrote them, I still labor to understand them. I hope they have helped you as much as they have helped me.

Hover your mouse over the images for the titles.

Red Light Green Light

2005-10-24T08:35:00.000-07:00

I wish women had 2 lights on their head.
One would be green,
The other red.

The Green would signify "He is so HOT!"
The Red would flash for "I think not.."

Yet God did not create women that way,
So guys must make their move and pray.

Gather your courage, Enjoy the fun!
I've heard it's amazing when you find the right one.

Life isn't perfect

2005-10-23T22:05:00.000-07:00

A close friend might be moving away soon.
My car broke down tonight.
In the process of trying to work on it,
I locked my keys in the car with my cell phone.
My Astros lost a real close one tonight.

All you single people out there can understand these next few lines:
I know life isn't perfect, I'm not expecting it.
I just wish I had someone to experience it with.

In Ecclesiastes 4 it says:

If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Maybe I ask too much.
I wish I had someone that would let me care for them,
and be cared for in return.

God what are you trying to teach me in this?

Origins of Grace

2005-10-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

We are running low on food.
The little ones that were so cheerful in the beginning,
are now weak and quiet.
At least the rain stoped.

All of those people....Dead
People I knew my whole life.
That was 6 months ago.

Looking out over this long expanse of water my faith falters.
I sent out the first a week ago ago,
It returned with nothing to show.
The second has not come back yet.

Oh God, where are you now?
You said they were all wicked.
You regreted all of it.
You granted favor, I do not deserve it.
Was I so different than the others?
I do not understand, but I am grateful.

Bliss in the afternoon

2005-10-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

I'm too happy to write prose...
I'm too busy to think about a good riveting blog entry.
I'm so happy its Friday.
The weather is going to be beautiful this weekend.

I want you to know I love you all very much :)

And this is a picture of the happiest dog in the world:

The Big Dance

2005-10-17T07:32:00.000-07:00

I can feel it comming.
Can you?

First Thoughts

2005-10-14T06:38:00.000-07:00

Darkness..
I hear somthing,
A voice so loud, so powerful.
The ground trembles.

Breathe..
My chest rises and falls.
Once one with the dirt I lay upon,
Now I am something more.

Opening my eyes, I see another looking down on me.
What is this? What am I? Who am I?
He says my name is Adam, for I am first.

My Maker patiently waits as I turn a circle.
He seems pleased with my reaction.
I have nothing to reference what I behold.
Majesty, Beauty..The ground throbs with vitality!

The Other puts His hand on my shoulder and smiles.
I know that He loves me before I even know what love is.
I know so little, but I am content...for I am with my Creator.

Solitude...Yet another of the new feelings I am experiencing.
I walk through the garden I was provided.
Wonders I cannot comprehend, yet still here it is.
Walking hand in hand with my Creator; Solitude is still with me.
I do not understand it.

Asleep...I dream for the first time.
Something is taken from me then given back.
For the second time I open my eyes to something I cannot describe.
Her name is Eve for she is Mother to all.

Shards of Pottery

2005-10-10T22:23:00.000-07:00

Spread on the ground are shards.
We fit together at one time,
A vessel I thought worthy.

Shattered I feel alone, unsecure.
I have lost the identity I knew so well.
Before I had purpose,
I held my contents so skillfully.
Proudly I displayed my shiny patterns.

Where is hope, what is hope?
Why was I thrown down?
Did I not do what I was created for?
Even if I was put back together,
I would never be the same.

Empty, I am reminded of my flaws.
Water flows through me now, I cannot contain it.
Parched soil around me is quenched,
Life begins where it was not before.

My old patterns are faded and gone,
Now I am adorned by the flowers that grow beside me.

Fire Starter

2005-10-09T19:55:00.000-07:00

That is Erica.
She's my older brother's niece. Her and her 2 sisters came over to my parents house for my fathers 59th birthday (Go Dad!). Well when they see me, I turn into the human jungle gym. I love them all to death. For the first couple hours, I just picked them up, twirled them around and cracked up as they tried to walk a straight line. As the evening wore on, they got a little tired and just wanted for me to carry them around and hug them. Well...Erica has a few tiny freckles to the sides of her nose. It's extremly cute! I was holding her and I touched her freckles with my finger and said "Wow, your freckels make you look so cute!" I wasn't prepared for what happend next. She got really upset and ran off. Later I realize that she was probably made fun of for them. We made up later that evening and she gave me a kiss on the cheek when the 3 of them had to leave. Oh lord, please give me a daughter someday!

Communication is such a powerful thing. In James 3:5 it says:

So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and {yet} it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire!

As people get to know me, they begin to realize that I think out loud most of the time. That's good and bad. The good is that they see the deepest part of me....I strive to be transparent to my friends, thus in return, I might gain trust and a little insight into their lives. The bad is that I can insult some people quite easily.

To the Big Guy upstairs,
Please help me to understand my friends better.
Help me to better communicate with them.
Give them patience with my logic,
Give them ever more patience for my ramblings.

Dearest Friend,
Please forgive me for what I said.

Masculinity vs Beauty

2005-10-04T21:44:00.000-07:00

In the book Captivating, it talks about how Beauty reveals Masculinity. I read that and thought "Hmm what an interesting concept"....I've always tried to be a very observent person......Body language has been a hobby of mine for years...The last week or so, I realized how true this concept is. Beauty absolutely reveals Masculinity. Here's a fun test for the ladies....go up to a guy you know and put your hand around his bicep muscle.....I'll bet you a dollar that he flexes...it's instinctive!

Humor aside, I am starting to realize more and more that God knew exactly what he was doing when he created Guys and Girls so different....We compliment each other....Our physiology proves it, our feelings are the same way.

Here is a quick story about how Masculinity reveals Beauty....In certain countries, it's customary for the Groom to pay the father of the bride a cow in exchange for his daughter. An American guy fell in love with a woman from this country. She was not considered attractive by most standards, but the American loved her dearly. The American guy paid the father 6 cows which is an unheard of payment for his daugher. The daughter felt so special....she was a 6 cow woman...she started to feel valuable and took better care of herself. The story ends with the woman becoming a very attractive woman.

I'm not saying that attractiveness is the only form of beauty...Far from it in my opinion. A womans smile is a very amazing thing...no matter if it's from my 102 year old great grandmother (she is really that age) or from a newborn. A friend of mine this evening gave me a big hug and said that she loved me.....that's beauty in its most pure form....

I know this is similar to the Chicken or the Egg scenario...what comes first? Beauty or Masculinity....I dont know the answer to that one.

I'll keep watching the world around me....and yes, I do flex :)

Frustration

2005-10-03T13:53:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder what Tmproff does during the week at his job? I work at a company called Administaff where we are considered a PEO or Personal Employment Organization. My company does other business payrolls, legal, retirement, 401k...etc you get the point. I am a programmer that uses huge databases of all of these companies data, and using a programming language called SQL, I calculate, sort and format their info into neat little reports. There are one of me in each of our major hubs around the US...We have one in Houston (me),Dallas, Los Angeles, Atlanta and we have a Corporate Report Writer(in Houston as well).

Our programmer in Atlanta quit and got a new job with another company.
Our programmer in Dallas got promoted last month.

We hired a new guy for Atlanta, but he's still learning (takes about 6 months)
So that leaves me and the Corporate programmer (Ashley) to do Houston, Dallas and LA (and some of Atlanta's difficult coding).

This week, Ashley went on vacation to Disneyworld. I am up to my eyeballs in work....I'm tired..My head feels like it's going to explode...I want to crawl in bed..

Bloom

2005-09-30T06:38:00.000-07:00

As a seed you fell,
Soft or hard soil matters not.
Warm, secure, comforted you were in darkness.
You rested, you developed, you grew.

Cast off your outer shell.
Show your beautiful petals.
Bloom for the world to see!

Bloom for the woman that lost her child,
Your voice comforts.

Bloom for the poor that are hungry,
The work of your hand sustains.

Bloom for the child without hope,
Your touch is a foundation.

Fear not of your appearance,
He made you so beautiful.

Bloom for the world to see,
For it has forgotten what true beauty looks like.

Closest to my Father

2005-09-28T22:34:00.000-07:00

It starts with a picture in my head.
Slowly it forms,
It twists, sometiems changing shape.

Eventually it finds its way
Onto some form of parchment.

Blurred to almost incomprehension,
I figure out the dimensions necessary.

The materials used are most important,
They always have their own story to tell.

I try to put my feelings into what I create,
Hopefully it's recognized for what I intended.

I feel closest to my Father
When I'm creating.

The Return to Normalcy

2005-09-28T06:02:00.000-07:00

The American people have appraised the situation, and, with that tolerance and patience which go with understanding, they will give to us the influence of deliberate public opinion which ultimately becomes the edict of any popular government. They are measuring some of the stern necessities, and will join in the give and take which is so essential to firm reestablishment.

I'm back at work....tired because I've become used to getting up at 8:30 - 9:00 everyday. Houston got minimal damage and yes, it smelt like PineSol just as I predicted :) There is trash all over I45 from all of the people trying to leave Houston.

I'll try to write something more thoughtful later today or tomorrow...My brain is on strike it seems.

I am a Runner Part 2

2005-09-23T06:58:00.000-07:00

All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

I really love the book of Acts. I believe that community and fellowship holds immense power. Power to comfort, power to heal. We were created for fellowship.

Rita is about to clean our clocks tonight. I have a friend that's a pilot for Continental that just flew into Houston and he's staying with me for the duration of the hurricane. This morning we ran as I always do on Saturdays, and running with someone else makes the trek so much easier. The pattern of his breathing, watching his feet hit the pavement and matching them. As we hit the half way mark, we turned around and I was in the lead for the run back. It was much more difficult to be facing forward and only knowing that my friend was behind me by the sounds he made. I guess that's a good example of Leadership.

I am a Runner
But I dont run alone.

God is a She

2005-09-21T12:59:00.000-07:00

I asked a female friend of mine what traits of God were feminine a while back, but never got an answer. I began to probe this subject. Catching glimpses in what our Pastor says, in scripture that I read, even in my prayer life...Understanding was slow but clear.

I have always believed that if you wanted proof that there is a God, look at a woman. The curves of her body, the way she makes a man's heart beat so fast as she passes by; only the Creator of our universe could build something that matched a man so perfectly.

In the book by Staci and John Eldridge called Captivating, I began to understand why I felt this way. This book has answered many of my questions. Adam and Eve were made in God's image. The beauty of a woman is a direct representation of the beauty of God. A woman's passion, her ability to bring forth life, her strengths; these are all things that a man will never fully understand. Why did Lucifer tempt Eve instead of Adam? I don't think it was because she was easier to tempt/weaker. Maybe it was because of his jealousy of her Beauty, for he was considered most beautiful of the archangels.

Our relationship with God is a passionate one (the most passionate we could ever have). It's not about rules or some huge book that we obsess over. It's about falling in love with the most amazing person that we will ever come in contact with.

She is Beautiful.
She is Passionate.
She is in love with us.
She knows our hurts.
She knows how to quench them.
She is God.
He is God.

Jubilation!

2005-09-21T07:54:00.000-07:00

We just got a memo here at work that they are shutting down all of the Houston offices Friday in preparation of the Hurricane! Wohoo!!!! 3 Day weekends are the best.

Now I know you are all thinking that I should take this seriously and should be worrying about what Rita is going to do to my city. Well I've been through a few of these and the most dramatic thing is that everything smells like PineSol (yes the cleaner) because of all of the broken pine branches.

Images

2005-09-20T06:09:00.002-07:00

In His image I was created.

All of His powerful emotions,
None of the understanding.

He longs for us to worship Him,
I yearn to feel special.

He is the Prime Mover; Ultimate Creator,
I am dirt breathing holy breath.

Beating my bare chest I scream,
Why burdon me with such responsibility?

Concrete and Chalk

2005-09-19T06:14:00.000-07:00

This weekend, a few of us went and watched the movie "Just like Heaven". Afterwards, we decided to go to a park that was close and draw some art on the concrete. It was really fun when the children that were watching us joined in.

Awesome call LK....

When you can't have Steak

2005-09-18T20:10:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when I spend time with really great friends, it brings on feelings of lonliness? I have this saying : "When you can't have steak, enjoy hamburger" Thus, when God decides it's not time for me to find my soulmate, hanging out with awesome friends (yes, I think I have the best in the world) is the next best thing.

Second Thought:
First, read No More Doors
Now, I know that infatuating over finding someone became an idol in my life, and I recognized that I needed to trust in God to find the right person.

When is it acting on God's will, and when is it just me tring to do His job? Haven't figured that one out yet.

Has something to do with lots of prayer....

Bent

2005-09-16T11:10:00.000-07:00

I cannot bloom
the way I used to.

My colors are drab,
Far less than my potential.

I am bent.
Longing to praise you,
The way you designed me to.

With despotic understanding,
You love me as if I were whole.

I raise my petals,
Awkwardly worshiping by choice,
A silhouette of what I will become.

Epiphany

2005-09-15T06:21:00.000-07:00

I am a thinker by nature.. But my best thinking is when I'm taking a shower in the morning. I got my college degree in Computer Science and we were always faced with programming challenges that took a lot of thought. I'm sure that I looked like a lunatic somedays to my roomates when I bounded out of the shower (totally nude of course) and going over to my computer and typing in a line or 2 of code that fixed something or other. They got used to it...

Well this morning I had an epiphany....

If Superman had X-Ray vision, Could he see through his eyelids?

Man thats a scary thought....how did he sleep?

Castles

2005-09-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

Castle faces Castle.
Worn.
Rebuilt over time.

Impenetrable at first glance,
Tired at the second.

Defences bristle for all to see,
A small door is almost hidden.

Inside each, a child huddles in the shadows,
Small hands eagerly waiting to be held.

I am a runner

2005-09-10T07:37:00.000-07:00

Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. [27] No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. 1 Corinthians 9:26-27

I am a runner
mind
body
terrain
These are my enemies.

Breathe in...
Mind: This hurts, you need to stop
Breathe out...
Body: I can't do this, please stop..
Ignore the pain....

The goal is easy to form in my mind
Even though I dont see it with my own eyes,
I know exactly what to do to get there.

Obedience,
Dilligence
Perserverence

Breathe in...
Breathe out...
Ignore the pain.

A talk with someone special

2005-09-07T06:07:00.000-07:00

Who are you?
I am your Creator.

Do you know me?
I know everything about you.

Do you love me?
I love you so much, I died for you.

Am I Ugly?
You are my most beautiful creation.

Sometimes I feel alone.
You heared me knock, I am always here.

I feel so weak, I want to give up.
My burdon is light, take it.

I feel you now, thank you so much.
I love you...I love you...I love you

The Lost City

2005-09-06T07:33:00.000-07:00

Why, O LORD, do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble? Psalm 10:1

I'm sure that many of the refugees are asking this exact same question. Here in Houston we are taking in the majority of the refugees, and the response has been awesome. I know that the news has talked about it, but to see it in person is an entirely different thing.

This weekend, I worked at a huge warehouse that was taking in donations. The warehouse was normally used for pipe fabrication. The owner donated half of the warehouse for the donation process while he still ran his business. I totally underestimated the amount of donations we would get. Last night, we organized and boxed up close to a dozen pallets.

I was sorry to see that some of the donations were damaged (some of the food expired in 1999) and people used this as an excuse for some spring cleaning.

In the majority, we received very useful things. New shoes, lots of non-perishable food, toys, books...you name it (Someone thought it would be funny to ask me organize the XL ladies bras...I think I'm scarred for life).

Many of the refugees are wondering where God is.....
This is an excellent opportunity for Christians to show love.
Most have risen to the challenge.

Newsweek has an excellent story today on the Katrina Disaster:

Solitude

2005-09-03T21:39:00.000-07:00

Walking hand in hand with his creator
Adam was the first to feel you.

Watching braided fingers,
I feel the same.

Your embrace seems so familiar old friend,
I sometimes forget that there is more.

Ultimate Providor,
you knew his needs.

Give me the faith
to believe you know mine.

Origins of Diamonds

2005-09-02T11:12:00.000-07:00

Diamond is the hardest material known to mankind,
Graphite is one of the softest.

Diamonds are transparent,
Graphite is opaque.

Diamond is an excellent insulator,
Graphite has conductive properties.

Diamonds are the ultimate abrasive,
Graphite is a common lubricant.

How can 2 so dissimilar materials come from the same element?

We are all born into this life as Carbon. We can follow the status quo and become Graphite, or through tremendous heat and pressure, become something as rare and beautiful as a diamond.

You never get rid of temptation. Today has been hard for me.
Prayer, scripture, friends/family; these things help me to stand strong.
Inevitably it comes down to choice...
Do you want to be a Diamond or a piece of Graphite?

BTW, Diamonds are by far the most transparent material known to mankind :)

Paying off Debt

2005-09-01T06:31:00.000-07:00

All bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ. Eph 4:31-32

I just graduated college. Of course I have debt which is thankfully shrinking quickly. Unfortunately, I'm not talking about that kind. That kind is impersonal. I get rid of it with the 1's and 0's that are deposited into my bank account twice a month. The debt I'm talking about is broken friendships. It would take a very long blog entry to describe the entire story, but to make it short, I lost a 20 year friendship (we met in 2nd grade). We traveled all over the world together. My fondest memories of childhood had him in them.

The reason we stopped talking isn't important. What happened afterwards is. After the final argument and we had gone our separate ways, He called me up feeling very convicted and wanted to talk things through. I was still pretty angry at the time and I didn't want anything to do with it. Almost a year passed and I really wanted to find out how this guy was doing. We met for breakfast (he worked nights). We talked, we laughed, it even felt like old times. After that, I haven't talked to him since. I saw his parents at a wedding a while back. It seems that my friend had to have surgery for some stomach illness. He's married now, and last I heard he is wanting to build a house out on some land that his family owns.

God I pray that you open doors in this relationship
Please give me the courage to contact this person
Please give me the patience to work through old situations

Looking straight ahead

2005-08-31T06:01:00.000-07:00

Prepare yourself for Tmproff's first rambling blog entry...

I say looking straight ahead because I'm resting my head on a rock.
Looking at the stars has always been a favorite pastime of mine (second only to my infatuation with really huge flames). God are you there behind that bright one on the left? Can you see me looking back at you? The older I get, the quieter I get. I catch myself thinking for long periods of time. I dont mind so much because my thoughts are becoming increasingly more complex. I guess that is exciting in some ways. My book choices have gone from sci-fi and adventure (dessert types of books IMO) to classics like To Whom the Bell Tolls and even Jane Eyre (In hopes I might understand women better). The writing styles of today just can't hold a candle to these.

Ok, back to the stars....
I recently watched a documentary on the probability of other life bearing planets in our universe. It concluded that the chances are extremly slim (most scientists say that it would sure be a waste of space if that's true). I do not have a problem with either side of the argument; I think that God is just showing off.
We are taking a trip to Fredericksburg Texas for Octoberfest this month (yes I know this month is Sept). I really hope I get to talk about this with friends. The stars out there where it's so much darker than Houston are spectacular. Shooting varieties are common if you are patient.

I know that everyone has tried to think what Heaven will be like....I can't imagine it, but when I look straight ahead (up in this case), I see spiral galaxies....black holes, nebulas...all the mysteries up there and I know that He has something really amazing planned.

end ramble transmission....

The Credit Card

2005-08-30T06:00:00.000-07:00

Imagine walking around Manhattan,
Donald Trump appears in front of you and hands you his platinum credit card.
He looks at you and says:
"This card has an unlimited balance, Spend all you want!
You dont have to worry about paying any of it back."

What would you do? Would you put it on your desk and leave it there?
Of course not! Most would go on the ultimate spending spree!
Some would travel, others would go shopping.
Some might even pay off debt

People treat love like a commodity.
We "spend" most on the people we like
Because it's easy to love them
The ones that desperatly need it are ignored.

Jesus once said "Love one another as I have loved you
When we can finally realize that love is not ours to "spend"
it brings total freedom!

Have you always been afraid to volunteer or do missions work?
Have you been worried about what someone will think if you show them love?
Is there a broken friendship in your past?

Let His love show through you.
Let it be blind.

The Waltz

2005-08-29T06:01:00.000-07:00

A life lived in fear is a life half-lived

They stare at each other from across the room.
Each, diverting their eyes when they make contact.

He smiles, she blushes..both feel ugly in their beautiful attire

He asks himself the usual questions,
Does she really want to dance with me?
Will she like how I dance?

Both look for any sign,
that neither wants to show.

They slowly make their way to the center of the floor.
Awkwardly, they entwine their hands and wait for the music.

A quick look around the room shows couples that have been dancing for years.
Did they start the same way? So awkward....so confused?
They seem so happy to be in each others arms. Can we have that too?

The music begins and the couples start to swirl around the room.
He tries to lead one way as she fades the opposite,
Toes are stepped on, embarassed smiles try to cover up mistakes.

Mercifully the music stops.
Our couple unclench sweaty hands and go their separate ways

The Waltz goes on and on,
yet the dancers are rarely the same.

The Golden Rule

2005-08-26T13:18:00.000-07:00

From the book Blue like Jazz:

...to be in a relationship with God is to be loved purely and furiously. And a
person who thinks himself unlovable cannot be in a relationship with God because
he can't accept who God is; a Being that is love. We learn that we are
lovable or unlovable from other people....That is why God tells us so many
times to love each other.

Months ago, I started to feel something missing
but I couldn't put my finger on what it was.

I would sit quietly and watch a group of friends
and realized I have no clue who they really are.
I can say we were friends,
but to say that we loved each other?

Imagine a world where we went out of our way
to make people feel special.
Forget the worries about how our actions will "look"

CS I believe has figured this all out already
I have to say that she's my hero somedays.

I have decided to make an effort to show I care.
I'm sure that some will take it the wrong way,
but I hope that it makes a difference nonetheless.

Life's little surprises

2005-08-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

I taught an Adult GED course while I was in college to pay bills that my loan didn't.
Yesterday, while I was at a restaurant reading a book (Blue like Jazz) one of my students recognized me and was very proud to tell me he passed his GED test, had gotten a good job and is doing well.

To hear stories like his is exactly what I need to continue to persue a life of servanthood.
Honestly, I think it's the secret to living a happy life.
If your joy comes from inside, you will never be dissapointed.
(as you can see, I still need encouragement)

When I'm trying to understand someone (which is a favorite pastime of mine)
I will ask them "What do you love more than anything else in this world?"

I get all sorts of answers
Some say "My boyfriend"
Others say "Jesus of course!"

I try not criticize their answers,
that's not for me to judge.

One of the most profound answers I heard was from an older woman
(whom I consider to be an amazing Christian).

She said that she loved sunsets most

God is Eternal. His promises last through the ages
Even knowing this, with His wonders all around,
I still have my doubts.

I guess if living like this was easy,
it wouldn't be so valuable.

Picking up Idols

2005-08-24T18:00:00.000-07:00

At the foot of the cross is an indentation
It's where I put the idols in my life

Some, stay there where they should be
Others, are picked up and put back on their shelf
Countless times I reach down

They can be so shiny
So harmless...
Harmless until I open up the lid
And the rotten fruit inside reminds me why it's there

I hold this particular idol in my hand
slick with the blood of Jesus
and seriously ponder if I should hold on to it or not

God I thank you for accountability
I thank you for friends that give me hope
I thank you for the terrible payment your Son gave
Oh Father give me strength!

No more Doors

2005-08-23T08:33:00.000-07:00

I open my eyes and see a hall full of doors
They are of all shapes and sizes
Some tall, some short, some colorful, some drab

I aimlessly try each one to see if it will open for me
Some crack open, some are shut tight
Some I'm afraid to try because they might just open
Some I wont try because I am so sure they are locked
Every so often, I'll turn around and try a door I previously attempted

Oh God, I'm so tired of trying on my own
So I sit down in the middle of this hall and wait on you
Please open the door you want me to go through
I lay this idol at your feet