Contrast
There is a bar that we all associate with. On left side is the shy...the kind..the caring. On the other side is the Boisterous, the outgoing, the selfish. Why is it that men and women are so attracted to the right side, yet they hope for a relationship that ends up like the left side? Men and women rarely date friends that they've known for a long time, yet they tell everyone that they want their boyfriend / girlfriend to be his/her best friend?
I understand that this isn't always the case, but it's my predominant observance of the people around me. I dont know where I fit in the mix...probably much too far on the left hand side, which brings excellent chances of friendships instead of relationships. I absolutely abhor fakeness...I dont want to change who I am.
Thought up by Tmproff at 5:00 PM
15 People Talking:
I too hate fakeness -- being a hypocrite's practically the unforgiveable sin in my eyes.
But we live in a society that prizes outgoing, friendly, talkative people. I tend to gravitate toward the quiet myself.
But I don't think boisterous and outgoing automatically equal selfish, or those qualities are bad. They're just natural for some, unnatural for others.
I agree, being outgoing doesn't necessairly guarantee that you are selfish in any way...(I had a conversation with a friend about that exact point before I wrote this).
There is a middle ground...(I think I'm going to strive for that)..You can have traits of the left and traits of the right....I think the middle ground is difficult to get to unless you are consiously trying.
aristotle's golden mean
(you are an AWESOME poet by the way)
I'm glad it was already cleared up that boisterous and outgoing doesn't necessarily equate to being selfish... Because I must say that I know I am quite loud but I hope that means I can be giving as well.
To be perfectly honest, I thought I would end up with someone talkative and outgoing like myself, but I'm currently dating someone who is an incredibly shy, quiet, thoughtful, observant and generous listener. It wasn't those qualitites I was looking for, but they happened to be present in the man I found myself drawn to and, as a result, I value them in him so much.
Maybe rather than trying to find the middle ground it's about being complementary to one another in certain ways? Don't get caught up in the qualities. Be the person you are and let God guide you to that other person she is. Between the two of you it'll probably be the right combination of traits if you don't force it.
I agree it does seem like most people are drawn to the very kind of person who will seemingly not offer the kind of relationship they say they desire. Which leads me to believe that perhaps that is something logically they desire but the thrill of the emotional highs connected with "falling in love" overrule the logic.
On a side note, why are we so eager to strive for the middle groud? I have been wondering lately if perhaps the way God wired us we spend most of our lives trying to down play and the rest of our time trying to acquire skills to integrate the traits we don't have into our lives.... is that really what He was striving for by making us all different? Just seems like if we all strive for the middle ground we are going to end up with a bunch of average people who are all pretty much the same.
Curiouser & curiouser....
Why can't I have both without being in the middle?
Seriously now. I'm not joking when I say that.
I have always been attracted to strong women, women who know what they want, women who do what they want, women who don't give a damn about having to conform to some social stereotype concerning women's behavior. And I don't think that kind of woman has to be devoid of gentleness & kindness. I don't think that a strong woman has to be outgoing & boisterous -- she just has to be able to know what she wants and know that she is fully able of achieving whatever she wants.
Granted, I know how much I am asking/seeking/looking for in a woman. I know that woman is a rather unique entity. I also know that I'm a unique entity, one who fits and does NOT fit at either end of the spectrum.
Maybe what I'm saying is this -- I don't like left/right spectrums. What about an up/down spectrum that would be perpedicular to the one we're all talking about?? What would that up/down measure look like? What would be at those poles? We're more than 2-dimensional beings anyway....
I think people are missing the point of my post here. You cannot be shy and outgoing at the same time...you cannot be selfish and selfless at the same time (Maybe people act differently in different scenarios), but I'm talking about overall.
Also, what you think of yourself, and what others think can be totally different things.
For example, just last week, someone told me that I am very talkative (and that isn't a bad thing she said), yet I have always thought of myself as a very quiet person.
I think what Nap is looking for is something more like the DISC personality profile. It uses a quadrant system, like this:
D | I
|
--------
|
C | S
Hopefully that comes across, if not, look at this image for a clearer picture.
Rather than just a left/right spectrum, it breaks basic personality functions down into four parts - Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, and Conscientiousness. At the top, the D and the I, are active, fast-paced, bold, and assertive. The right side, the I and the S, are accepting, receptive, people focused, agreeable. The bottom, the S and the C, are thoughtful, moderate-paced, calm, and careful. The left side, the D and the C, are questioning, skeptical, logical, etc.
People can fall in different quadrants on the graph, like an SC personality. Someone who is SC would be stable, thoughtful, detail focused, etc. A high D (someone like myself), is task oriented, driven, not terribly concerned with what people think. A high I will be very outgoing, looking to please people, the life of the party.
Each characteristic has positive and negative traits, things that are beneficial and things that need to be compensated for.
I don't know where I was going with all that... maybe I'll remember later.
Yeah.... Maybe.... I don't know.... I have issues with those kinds of personality profile thingys. DISC, Choleric/Phlegmatic/Sanguine/Melancholy, or whatever.... They're models that don't often capture people well. Yes, I did describe (with Jon's help) a 4-point spectrum, but people are much more fluid than models.
But yes, TMProff, you're right. You can't be selfish & selfless, but at some point in my life, I HAVE been both. We've ALL been both. And it doesn't make much sense.... I can't figure myself out some days, so how do you expect me to figure women out on any given day?
I have to disagree with you when you said people can't be she and outgoing at the same time tmproff. I myself are shy and quiet when I first meet people. Then when they get to know me I am very outgoing and loud.
Lets look deeper into our personalities. I understand that in different circumstances, we can have opposite reactions.
What is our nature?
How do we personify ourselves?
I know some that define themselves by their career (I have been guilty of that one in the past) , boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife....how how they look, their children...you get the point..
Who are we?
Good thought there TMProff. Start a new post with that thought though, so we can get a fresh start and fresh perspective on that idea....
Dave, If you wrote a book, I'd buy it! Excellent thoughts there. Thank you.
Wow, Dave, your comment really made me think about somethings I had not previously fully realized. It is true, at least for me, that these categories exist. It is also true that once I place a guy in one of those categories, he must do something quite valiant to change his standing if he so desires....which in and of itself is ironic because he does not know where he has been classified...
An easy solution: offer the adventure, persue with honesty and good intentions. Its okay if it doesn't work out, but take a gamble on someone who you see potential in...
I have realized that there are really only two things worth looking for in guys, does he love Jesus and does he love others? If these two things are utterly and completely true, everything else is icing on the cake.....
Ashlee,
That is very insightful of you. I totally agree that most of what we look for in a man/woman is fluff... What is truely important usually takes a backseat to how he/she looks in a pair of jeans, or what kind of a car they drive.
Relationsips would be so much healthier if we created a strong foundation.
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