Purposeful Rejection
Tears mix with dirt as the
Boot presses painfully on my head.
There's nothing wrong with me.
So hard to breathe because
My heart is made of lead.
Transparent skin shatters revealing a
Soul bared to the cold.
Where is your comfort?
Old feelings forgotten,
Rushing in like a broken dam.
I can bear the pain if I know it's purpose.
Oh Lord, please give me understanding.
Thought up by Tmproff at 3:32 PM
7 People Talking:
I dated a girl many months ago....
I'm not sure exactly what happened, but it ended up with her moving back to Chicago.
She used to work at the same place I do, and she came to Houston to visit this weekend.
I heard a familiar voice and went out to say hi to her. She took one look at me and walked away. What caused this?
The biggest surprise was I feel exactly the same way I did months ago when I tried to figure this out the first time.
What a way to start the weekend....
well, remember that the time that has passed has changed you both, so don't expect that things are the same even if they feel that way. and definitely don't take it personally.
Wow. We do such a good job of inflicting pain in other people's lives, don't we?
I would agree that time has passed and you are both changed because of that time, but I guess I am not surprised at your experiencing the same feelings. (now, obviously I only know what you have simply shared here...)
To me, it seems like you are experiencing the same emotions because the same thing has happened. To use your words, you feel like you have been "purposefully rejected."
She didn't choose you (or to explain why things needed to end apparently) and left for Chicago. You felt rejection. She saw you, and chose not to talk to you (the reason, no matter how legitimate, does not matter) and again you felt rejection.
I am impressed you still have a desire to seek to understand women and search for their beauty. Experiences like this tend to build walls in my own life, but you seem to cope much better than I do.
I just feel like you need some serious cheering up and spoiling....not feeling well (did you seriously give your parent's your blog address and title your blog "transparent life"?!?!? wow!) and then having to deal with the wounds of relationships...
I feel the need to bake you your favorite cookies or bring you your favorite coffee....
I guess I will indulge in these favorites myself, in my attempt to help you!
"I am impressed you still have a desire to seek to understand women and search for their beauty. Experiences like this tend to build walls in my own life, but you seem to cope much better than I do."
Quoting Ashlee here, I am impressed as well with your drive, determination, and passion, mostly because I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never really understand women that well (though I keep searching for ways to let women know how truly beautiful they are and can be). If something like that would have happened to me, I would a) have felt rejected OR b) have assumed that I had rejected her at some point in our relationship (why else would she have moved to Chicago?).
"The biggest surprise was I feel exactly the same way I did months ago when I tried to figure this out the first time. "
And then quoting TM himself, I have been there before, but not that often, as of late. I might not have understood her decision to move back to Chicago, but I wouldn't have been surprised at her reaction, mostly because I (unfortunately, I admit) have treated ex-girlfriends in the same manner that she treated you. It's a shameful admission on my part, but, too often, I find it easier to cut loose, rather painfully, any person that causes me pain & confusion than to work through the issues. The initial cut is painful, but, once it's gone, "out of sight, out of mind". It's not a healthy reaction, by any means, but it's a realistic one.
BTW, I hope that this Saturday finds you deep asleep, basking in OJ, Chicken Soup, and whatever other fluids you've chosen to imbibe by which to heal yourself. Peace to you, my brother....
Thank you all for the kind words. Yes my mother did call me last night on my cell phone to see if I was going to jump off a bridge. I told her that writing like this helps me to cope with it...it's not the writing...it's the reading it afterward that gives release.
Just a little more background info...She was from Chicago originally, moved here to Houston for the job opportunity. She had a lot of debt, and couldn't afford to live here, so she had to move back home with her parents.
Her knowing that she had to move back was part of it....I understand that. She told me that she really wanted me to hate her for it...that if I was mad, it would make the process easier on her. I cant do that. I even offered to help her with some money till she got on her feet.
In the end, there was nothing I could do. Loving her afterwards..forgiving her for how she acted was the worst thing I could have done in her eyes.
Yeah. You're probably right. Loving her after she left didn't help things at all, esp since it seemed that she didn't love you (or didn't want to) anymore. Which always sucks. Always. Never fails to suck. And it sucks that it happened to you. You deserve better.
Tmproff...
Hmmmm....I am really overwhelmed at your transparency on this issue...
Consequently, I feel the need to share any insight I have in a feeble attempt to help...hope you don't mind.
Can I offer a girl translation? "I really want you to hate me..." doesn't mean I really want you to hate me. It more likely means, If you hate me I won't second guess my decision. Which will in turn make it easier for me to forget about you and my feelings for you.
Which, by your comments, you chose not to do. Which probably means there is a real good reason she saw you and turned the other direction. She still has feelings for you and she doesn't want to...She knows she let a good thing go...and she knows you don't hate her. She knew you were coming to say hello and extend friendship which would just further her quandry of emotions involved in the situation....
All of this, of course, is merely one female's perspective. Which, as you hopefully know already, could mean nothing in the case of all other women.
Hope your weekend was relaxing and renewing. And I certainly hope you didn't spend too much time thinking about this.....
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